Monday, 4 July 2011

Alzheimer's - Still in Mourning.

Anger. Fear. Shame. Sadness.

These are the emotions i experienced due to my nan having Alzheimer's. It's really hard to imagine someone you love so much losing their memories of you unless you are put in the awful situation of it happening to you.

Anger :- I think i experienced Anger mainly at myself for not having the courage to face my nan in her final years and at the so called "god or higher being" for giving my strong willed nan who had brought up five children by herself , one of whom was disabled such an awful illness when she deserved to have so much happiness in her later years.

Fear. I think this is of the unknown. How long do they have? How long before they forget you? How will i be able to cope without them in my life?

Shame.  For not visiting when i should of. For not being there. For not being the model grandaughter she had probably wished for.

Sadness. You mourn for them when the illness is diagnosed. You mourn for them when their memories fade. You eventually mourn for them when they are no longer with us.

My nan died in April 2009, 3 months after my grandad. She was from Faicchio in Italy yet lived most of her adult life in Wales. She is now at rest back in her home town in Italy. We shared a birthday, many laughs and tears over the years. She was my nan and i loved her more than anything.

It always surprises me when someone dies that people seem to move on with their lives quite effortlessly, forget if you will and continue their lives as normal. Since April 2009 i have longed for the day when i can no longer think of my nan each day without tears welling up in my eyes. I goes on and people have to move forward but i'm still in mourning. Maybe i will always be.

Hopefully one day there will be a cure or something that significantly delays the symptoms so other people don't lose their loved ones to an illness that seems to cruel.

Hold your loved ones close. Nobody knows what tomorrow holds.

"Maybe I didn't treat you
Quite as good as I should have"


  1. I love the Elvis song. My nan died in 1998, on my birthday. I'd known she had cancer for about 18 months, so I knew she was going to die. I thought I'd prepared, but you can never prepare for it. I don't think of her every day any more, but whenever I do think of her it makes me cry. When I get married (on my birthday) I'll be sure to mention her.

    Hugs to you x

  2. Sorry about your nan. :( Awful that she passed on your birthday too :(

    Mine loved Elvis and loved all his songs. It sounds so corny but my heart broke the day she died. I think i will always feel a bit empty without her.